


Chapter one

by CatheRinRin



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Dan Howell, 2009 Phil Lester, Anal Sex, First Time, Friends to Lovers, M/M, One Shot, Oral Sex, Smut, Wordcount: 10.000-30.000, idk just to be safe, maybe subspace and dom sub undertones, unprotected sex, use a condom kids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-07-04 06:16:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15835458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatheRinRin/pseuds/CatheRinRin
Summary: Discovering Phil's video for the first time at seventeen is definitely more than a turning point for Daniel. In fact, when he's much older than now, Dan will describe seeing Phil's quirky face and kind eyes and long hair as the moment his entire world was tilted on its axis, making it completely revolve around an amazing and spectacular man who can save him with gentle touches and soothing words.~~2009 Dan and Phil. Chapter one of an amazing story, ten years in the making.





	Chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> This Long ass one shot is not only my introduction into the Phandom, but my return to writing fanfiction in general. It's been so long since I've finished a full work, and this one took me a month to complete. I wanted to see where my level of writing was after 2 years of not writing anything. Not only that, but I wanted to practice present tense. This fic is something I needed to do for myself, to prove to myself I could still write. Seeing Dan and Phil live inspired me to write about their story and their love, which regardless of how you look at it is pretty Goddamn special. I've been watching them since the beginning and wanted to pay tribute to two of the most influential and important men who've made such a difference in my life without even knowing me. So thank you, Dan and Phil, who I hope never see this. And I hope the rest of you enjoy <3
> 
> Oh, before I forget, here are some disclaimers in case someone decides to come at me lol  
> 1\. I know a lot about when they first met, but no more than any normal phangirl.  
> 2\. I probably got some things wrong that aren't accurate to how things went in real life. I did my research as best I could, and this is a work of fiction.  
> 3\. Please use your suspension of disbelief and just enjoy the ride.  
> 4\. Third person limited in present tense is fucking hard and kudos to you if that's your default style.

Discovering Phil's video for the first time at seventeen is definitely more than a turning point for Daniel. In fact, when he's much older than now, Dan will describe seeing Phil's quirky face and kind eyes and long hair as the moment his entire world was tilted on its axis, making it completely revolve around an amazing and spectacular man who can save him with gentle touches and soothing words. He could never predict what would happen in ten years time, let alone in a month. No one could predict such an intertwining of two souls.

Which is why when Dan hops excitedly down the stairs to his mother and father with Laptop in hand, giddy and ranting about finding a new youtuber to binge watch, they merely give a small smile and a "that's nice, pooh bear," in response. It's condescending in only a way parents can be, pretending they care about your interests and hobbies, without really understanding just how much it means to you. Dan doesn't say anything, and hides behind his straightened fringe, trailing off when he realizes they aren't actually listening. And when they don't hum another strangled response, he goes back to his room, finding solace in this stranger's videos.

From the very beginning, Phil is saving Dan. Saving him from his loneliness, filling up his days with funny anecdotes about his life. Which is why he thinks he gets so brave, to message this practical stranger relentlessly, trying in vain to get his attention. He knows it's creepy and weird, that someone four years his senior is definitely not interested in speaking to some nerdy emo kid that poses in photos for attention he desperately craves in his normal day to day life.

 

And for Dan, the next defining moment of his life is when Phil actually responds to one of his many comments in a private chat.

_AmazingPhil: Hey! Thanks so much for liking my videos :) We seem to have a lot in common and I keep seeing your face everywhere, You said you needed editing tips, you make youtube videos too?_

And Dan wants to scream, wants to yell for his parents that look, AmazingPhil actually responded, wants to show them that he's finally got someone's attention. But he doesn't. Instead, he swallows back the burning scream within him and shakily responds back once he regains his composure.

_Danisnotonfire: Oh wow, you responded!!! Um, no I don't make videos. Just a big fan is all. I've thought about it, but I've never had the confidence._

He doesn't even realize that he's searching for some sort of validation, but when he gets it, his entire soul is set on fire. He can feel this swelling of pride and happiness from head to toe until it makes his chest sink and his stomach flip in ways he didn't know possible.

_AmazingPhil: Aww Why not? You're hilarious if your comments on my vids are anything to go by lol. I bet you've got a lot of interesting things to say. Not to mention your pretty fit._

And Dan must be taking too long to reply as he has his internal freakout, because Phil is following up not-so-smoothly.

_AmazingPhil: Well, I mean if that's okay to say in a not creepy way. Promise I'm not some 40-year-old man in his basement._

_...How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?_  
  
_Maybe I should have asked that earlier. oops_

Dan responds as soon as he notices, trying to put out any concerns or doubt this near stranger might have about him.

_Danisnotonfire: No, it's totally fine! I'm just still dying from the fact you've responded to me more than once now hahaha. Just turned 18 June 11th :)_

And almost immediately, Dan gets a response.

_AmazingPhil: Oh! Happy Birthday, Daniel!!! I hope it's been filled with lots of excitement and Birthday Cake. You in Uni or taking a Gap year?_

 

Dan Never Stopped Talking to AmazingPhil.

After a while, AmazingPhil just becomes _Phil_ , the cute, kind dork who makes terrible jokes and sleeps in pokemon pajama bottoms while going from Britney Spears to MCR to Muse on a mix CD. He loves all the nerdy shit Dan does, and whenever Dan is feeling low, he always seems to know how to get him to smile. It's the fastest Dan's ever made a friend, and he finds himself always looking at a screen, whether it's his phone or low-quality laptop. Because Dan always is wanting to talk to him, always excited and happy to see him.

It's a month into their friendship when Dan's parents finally notice their little boy's improvement in his mood. His father is the first to ask, asking if he's got himself a girlfriend with the way he's always texting on his phone. Dan just chuckles nervously.

"It's just my friend Phil, Dad."

His mom pipes up, "Oh, is that the one who spent new years with us two years ago?"

And Dan wants to cringe at how wrong his mother is, that Dan was barely even friends with Alex and he only stayed with them because his grandfather was dying and Alex lived right across the street.

"No, mom," He starts, his chest somehow deflating and reinflating. He wants their attention, for them to take interest in his life. He wants the recognition, wants them to understand. And he silently curses himself for making this a bigger deal in his mind than it really was, "Phil's a friend Online. I can't talk to him otherwise."

His dad and mom feign concern for a moment, and he remembers, of course, the dreaded "O" word. Warnings not to talk to strangers Online, not to meet up or give up personal information. Real Horror Stories of people dying. And the look of surprise on his parents' faces almost makes him laugh, but he supposes that would be rude and restrains himself from doing so.

"How do you know he's not some pervert, Daniel?" Ah yes, bringing out the full name, "Don't tell me you've given your number out to him."

And Dan can't help the eye roll that comes out, "He's just a friend, Dad, he makes videos online so I know what he looks like."

There's a brief pause where they both look at him in disgust, and Dan realizes he needs to explain what exactly youtube was for what felt like the hundredth time.

"Youtube Videos, not- god not that kind of video. Mom, Dad they're like- comedy. Oh my God."

He groans a hit his head against the table, which earns him a swift reprimand to sit up straight.

And then his brother pipes up with the worst thing he could possibly say, in the most annoying tone, "Oh, is that your boyfriend you always talk to at 2 am?"

And it's like time is frozen, Dan's pulse picking up as if he's guilty of some sort of crime. His parents are glaring and his brother seems to not realize what he's just said is perhaps the worst thing possible. He's never once mentioned his sexuality to anyone, let alone his little brother, and Dan almost can't even find the words to convey just how much he wished he wasn't alive at this moment.

"He's not my boyfriend," Dan chokes out, and why is that so hard? _He's not_. "That's- no. Not even. Phil's a just a friend."

Dan doesn't even know what his sexuality is at this point, and having a discussion remotely in that realm isn't something he wanted to experience _ever._ "I would watch his videos and we ended up talking. He's just a night owl like me is all. He's cool."

Okay, well, he's not cool in the normal sense, but he was so similar to Dan in all the right ways and so different in all the right ways that Dan had never felt a connection like this, never felt like he automatically met someone who just _got him._ Never met someone who validated and understood his feelings.

But his parents won't get this. They won't ever understand this.

His mother smiles hesitantly and his father sighs, but they both don't press any further. And Dan knows they think this will fade, that Dan's obsession with Phil is like getting attention from your favorite celebrity. That Online friends never meet, that they end up fading and no longer talking.

But that night, at two am, when Phil is smiling in a way that makes his eyes crinkle and his tongue poke out, Dan can't help but think all he wants is to always see that smile, every day.

 

Phil says it offhandedly one night, months after their first skype call, that Dan should come to Manchester. And at first, Dan says no, that he probably won't have the money. But then Phil gives him this pout that never fails to get him saying yes. He builds Dan's self-esteem up, telling him how amazing it would be if he actually made videos. And Dan gets lost in his blue eyes, swims in them, drowns in them. And they aren't together, they really aren't, but they definitely flirt sometimes. It's like every other sentence out of Phil's mouth has something to do with his eyes, or his dimple, or his smile, and Dan's never wanted to bask in someone's attention like this before. He's never felt so strongly about anyone before.

So when Phil is staring at him with hopeful eyes, it only takes one sentence to convince Dan to talk with his parents about it.

"I guess I've just been so excited to finally have you next to me, in person, I didn't think about if it was even possible for you to have the money or time."

And being next to Phil, Dan realizes, is all he wants. He wants it more than anything in this entire world. So he smiles, finally building up the courage to say, "I want you next to me, too."

And Dan's stomach flips and Phil looks giddy, tongue sticking out and yellow plaid shirt vibrant against the grainy contrast of the video. and Phill chuckles nervously, "We'll make it happen. Soon."

And Dan nods and realizes he'll never be able to deny Phil anything as long as he lives.

They devise the plan for him to come in October, a months time away, to spend time for festivities. And Dan can hardly wait. Phil is going to help pay for the ticket, them going halves on it, and Dan is going to basically spend the last of his money on the other half. And Phil tells him not to worry while he's down there, that he'll take care of everything. And all Dan needs to do is tell his parents he's going to be spending Halloween with Phil Lester. _Phil Lester._

They skype every night for a whole week, mainly to come up with things to do once Dan was in Manchester. And every night Phil asks if Dan has spoken to his parents yet. And Dan says he will, that he's just waiting for the right time. And Dan knows Phil is getting restless, but Phil is agonizingly patient. He just smiles and nods and says he can't wait to see him in person.

 

Dan doesn't know the right way to bring it up to his parents. He doesn't want to ask permission, because he feels as if it's too childish. But he also wants their approval. And he's sitting at the table, watching his little brother pick at his green peas and carrots and his dad pretend he likes the food his mom cooking when his mouth decides to just word vomit all over the dining room table.

"I was thinking of going to Manchester in October."

His parents both look up from their meal, his mother curious and his father raises an eyebrow. "What for?" His father asks, and Dan just shrugs in response.

He the one playing with his food now, his fork endlessly chasing a pea around the cheap china plate, and he can feel even his younger brother snicker. "I dunno," Dan says, awkward and avoiding eye contact. There was no going back now, Dan had to initiate the dreaded conversation now, "Just thought it'd be nice to check out the city. Maybe visit the University."

His mom brightens up at the idea of University being mentioned, and it makes Dan want to be sick at the thought because going back to school is not something he likes to think about, but maybe it'll make it easier for his parents to approve of him leaving. "Oh that sounds wonderful!" she says, an excited grin, "We can make a trip there if you like. It shouldn't be too cold."

"Um," Dan coughs, looking up behind his straightened bangs to look over at his parents, "Actually, I was thinking about taking a train and staying with a few friends."

His parents look curious and surprised as if they didn't expect Dan to actually have friends. And well, he doesn't, really, just the one friend. Phil. But if he can make it seem like old friends from school moved to Machester for Uni, maybe he won't have to tell him he's visiting someone he's never actually met in person before.

"Oh, do you mean your creepy Online boyfriend you've never met before?"

And Dan looks at his younger brother in horror, at being ratted out and also at the careless insinuation about Dan's sexuality. "He's not my creepy boyfriend! God, what the fuck-"

Then his father interrupts, "Language, Daniel!"

And Dan's head gets whipped in the other direction to meet his father's accusing glare and mother's disapproval. "He's just a friend, and he's not creepy. We just get on really well." And he knows he's being defensive, but his brother almost outing his not so platonic feelings for the same sex was getting rather annoying and homophobic if he was honest. And it's not like Dan was lying. Phil was just a friend. So maybe he's a friend that returns cheesy hand hearts and says his dimple is adorable and his eyes are the prettiest hue of rich chocolate he's ever seen. They've never defined any part of their relationship and so his brother's accusations were baseless and rude.

His mom huffs, obviously disapproving, "So you want to go to Manchester to meet up with some older guy who you have never met before?"

And Dan's never felt more defensive, over himself and another person, ever. He's never felt like he's had to explain himself so many times, "Well, not in person, but we've talked for months now and we're quite good friends. And he offered to show me the city and the campus with some friends of his that go there. I think it'd be fun, to like, do something for myself."

"How can you get to be good friends with someone you never met?"

And Dan can't believe he's having to explain to his parents how the internet works. He didn't think they were that daft. "We use Skype. So we can like Video Chat and share stuff and like, see each other."

and Adrian's mumbling out another secret from behind his steak, "Every night."

And Dan has to stop himself from strangling his little brother. He knows he's just teasing, that it's his job to annoy his older brother. But it's hitting a little bit too close to home and he still has no idea how his parents would react to him even considering liking another boy. Dan doesn't want to label himself, doesn't want to make it a bigger deal than it is.

"How old is he?" His father asks, and Dan doesn't know why it's important but responds anyway.

"22."

"That's a bit older Dan," His mother pipes up and Dan is trying not to roll his eyes, he really is, but he's failing and he can tell his parents don't like how rude he's being.

"It's only four years, and besides, you're acting like I'm gonna go meet a serial killer or be sold into a sex slave trade or something."

There's an awkward pause, and Dan can't believe his parents are actually considering that to be a viable option. They're looking back and forth between each other as if trying to break the news that Phil is somehow making innocent videos under a ruse and his real job is to lure their 'baby boy' Dan into getting kidnapped and forced into prostitution. Which is ridiculous because this is _Phil_ . Phil would never hurt him. _Ever._ Dan is so adamant about that and it offends him his parents don't have any faith in his judgment of character.

"Pooh bear," his mom starts, "It's just you've mentioned you've been watching his videos right? He's 4 years older than you, you've never met him in person, and the only thing he has to go on about you is that you're a newly eighteen-year-old fan that is willing to take a train ride by yourself to go meet him and spend a week with him. I just don't want you to be taken advantage of, dear."

Dan stands up at that, thin but still towering over his mother, and mummers a half-hearted, "Excuse me," before running out of the house.

He knows he's being dramatic, that his parents don't deserve to be treated so disrespectfully. But he can't even be in the same room as his family right now, not after them accusing Phil, _Phil_ , of all people of trying to take advantage of him. Phil could never even hurt a fly, and he's already on the next street over when he finds himself pulling out his cell phone and dialing the only person he ever even talks to now. And as it's ringing, he realizes he didn't think this through. How was he supposed to explain to his best friend that his family already hated him?

_"Hey, Dan! I was just thinking about you. What's up?"_

And Dan wants to choke, wants to hang up, want to do anything but say how his family doesn't want him meeting Phil. Because Phil's become the most important person to him in such a short amount of time and how to do tell someone like that you're parents hate him without even knowing him?

_"Daniel, Love, what's wrong?"_

And then Dan realizes he's crying.

"They-They said some really mean stuff about you, Phil."

_"Who did?"_

"My family." The words come out before he can even think about it. And now he's a six-foot tall uncooked noodle ugly crying in the middle of the street because his family doesn't understand him. Because they've never cared about his life or his interests, and now that he wants to actually go out and meet the one person who makes him feel like his life is worth something they shoot him down like some sort of wounded animal.

_"Oh, Dan..."_

And Dan didn't even realize he spoke all that out loud, but now he does and he can't take it back. He's sniffling and wiping at his eyes frantically with the heel of his hand and he hates that Phil is on the receiving end of this conversation. "They said that I didn't know you and you didn't know me, which is stupid. You know me better than I know myself sometimes, and of course, I know you... They said they didn't want me getting hurt, or some bullshit. They even said you were taking advantage of me, which is like, I don't even know what they mean by that and- and-" Dan wretches out a sob, crying like a child on the phone. And he's never felt so weak, so uncool, and he hates that Phil has to deal with him like this. "I just hate how they judge you when they don't even know you."

Dan starts to calm down, his sobbing turning into small sniffles. And he's embarrassed he actually is crying in the first place, that he stormed off and is making his a scene in front of his neighbors. Phil's not saying anything and it makes Dan even more insecure, like he's messed up because he's shown Phil how crazy he is and he tries to backpedal, but can't, "God Sorry I'm such a mess, I don't know why I'm acting like this you must think I'm insane and stupid-"

_"No, Dan. I could never think that. Ever."_

And just like that Phil is saving him again, making his tears fall silent and his breathing starts to ease. "Phil..." he starts, and then he can't think of anything else to say but that, and luckily he doesn't have to because Phil then starts talking again.

_"Your parents love you, Dan. Sure, they might be a bit overprotective, but if my family knew I was going to see someone I met online I'm sure they'd be cautious too. Would it help if I spoke to them? You can go home and clean up, and after that start up a skype call and your parents can see my face so they know I'm not some weirdo."_

Dan nods, before remembering that Phil can't see him. "Okay," he says dumbly, "Sorry I'm so-"

_"Don't apologize, Dan, okay? I love you."_

And Dan feels his entire chest set ablaze at those three words. The silence between them is deafening, and the moment he hears the words come out of his mouth Dan knows Phil didn't mean to say it. It was an accident, a slip of the tongue. And Phil's probably embarrassed on the other end of the line because of course he cares about Dan, and Dan's sure he loves him, but not in the way that Phil thinks Dan thinks Phil thinks. He means it in comfort, he means it to try to calm Dan down and to make him stop belittling himself. And Phil is the one trying to comfort Dan, but now Dan feels like it's his turn to comfort Phil. Because he's sure the older is embarrassed and overly affectionate and just wanted to convey how much he cares.

_"Dan-"_

"It's fine, I know what you meant," Dan cuts him off and he tries to make his voice sound better. "I love you too, you dork. Jesus Christ, Phil, don't make it weird."

And then Dan's actually smiling at the sound of Phil's relieved laughter, and now he's grinning from ear to ear, because _Phil Lester_ just told him he loves him, and Dan said he loves him too, in a totally platonic best friend way and it didn't ruin what they have. And a part of him doesn't want to admit he wishes it meant more, but Dan's totally okay with this. They're still best friends, and still going to see each other in real life soon. And he tells himself nothings changed.

 _"Okay, good. That's good, then."_ And Dan can hear the hesitation in Phil's voice, _"Get back home and text me when you're ready to Skype, okay? I'll try to make sure they're okay with it."_

"Okay."

_"...Okay. I'll talk to you soon.”_

And Phil hangs up, and Dan's left in the street again, simultaneously light as a feather and heavy as an anchor. He makes his way home, wipes his eyes vigorously even though he's sure he looks like a mess right now, walks into the house.

His mother looks concerned and his father looks angry, but Dan remembers what Phil told him and he takes a deep breath.

 

"I'm sorry for overreacting."

"Yeah, you could say that-"

"Phil said he wouldn't mind talking to you guys if you're up for it," Dan interrupts his father before any yelling or lecture can start. "He's a little weird and eccentric, but he's not some pervert. He's seriously my best friend. And I'd really like for you guys to like him too."

And once his parents agree, Dan goes to the bathroom to wash his face off and cool down, and then brings his laptop out to the kitchen. His Father asks what he's doing with his laptop and Dan has to explain to his parents how Skype works for the fiftieth time, but then he gets the call from Phil and once he answers, he's staring at Phil's smiling face and a nice blue plaid shirt and Dan smiles back because he can't help it. And for a second he forgets about his parents sitting right behind him, but luckily Phil remembers because he's now addressing both of them with a smile that could fool anyone into thinking he's not nervous at all.

And after what is probably the longest thirty minutes of Dan's life, his parents give their blessing for their son to visit his best friend.

And Dan smiles at Phil as if they both have a secret no one knows about.

 

Dan lives off of the attention Phil gives him for the next three weeks, and it feels like the air around him is static electricity. He's beaming and glowing and even his brother's asinine comments about him being pregnant can't bother him.

 

When Dan posts Hello Internet, Phil is the first one to rate and congratulate him. And later on Skype, he goes on and on about how much he loves it and how cute and quirky and adorable Dan was through it all. Dan's pushing some hair behind his ears and basking in Phils praises, when he realizes that it's not just that he can't say no to Phil, it's that he always wants to make Phil happy. Always wants Phil to look at him like this. Like he's this perfect being that can't do anything wrong and that he brings as much joy into the older man's life as Phil does for him.

 

That night after he says goodnight to Phil, Dan steals some of his mother's Jasmine lotion from the bathroom and strokes himself fast and hard to the thought of Phil beside him, praising him and touching him in ways Dan's never allowed himself to think about before. He imagines Phil's pale hand working fast instead, feeling this desperate ache in the center of his core muscles he didn't even know existed. And then curiosity is getting the better of him, and he takes some of the lotion into his nondominant hand and reaches behind himself, circling around the tight, foreign ring of his own hole. And then he's pressing in his longest finger, pretending it's Phil and just as he thinks the sensation is weird but okay he crooks his middle finger in such a way that he finds that bundle of nerves he's heard so much about and _moans._ He adds another finger impatiently, slowly working his way through the stinging by pressing up against that spot again. And then he can't stop, can't stop the noises that come out his mouth. He's rocking forward into his fist and backwards onto his fingers and moaning Phil's name like a prayer.

He comes with a loud scream, harder and louder than he can ever remember. And as he lays there in his blissed filled haze, spent and exhausted, he can't bring himself to regret any of it.

 

Dan is doing his last minute packing early in the morning when his Mother walks in, knocking on the doorframe lightly. He turns and looks at her, and sees her carrying that cautiously optimistic smile on her face. "What's up," He barely asks before he folding his clothes into his suitcase again.

"I just wanted to talk to you before you go is all," She says, and Dan tries not to groan, tries not to avoid whatever stupid thing his mom wants to say now. He doesn't want her to try to convince him not to go, but he knows it's coming and he braces himself for the blow to his ego.

"What is it, mom?"

"I just," She starts, trying to find the words to say, "Just wanted to say how nice it is to see you smile. I can tell you've haven't been this happy in a long time."

And Dan feels awkward, feels like he's going to cave under the weight of his mom's loving and... proud? stare... He's not quite sure where she's going with this or what the correct answer is, but he tries his best. "I don't- I mean... thanks? I guess."

Her eyes crinkle and Dan realizes for the first time how much his mom has... aged. It's not like he thinks she looks bad or anything, but it's as if he just noticed all the wrinkles on her face, the grey hair peeking through. She's looking at Dan with a sappy, happy smile that only a mother could give and it makes Dan irrationally feel bad. He realizes that as he was growing up, his mother was growing older and older. She was watching the whole time, watching her eldest son become some sort of semblance of a man.

As isolated and misunderstood as Dan felt, his parents did love him.

"Dan," She speaks, and he knows he's in for a speech, "I remember when I first met your father. My parents didn't approve at first, but I was so adamant that I had finally found 'the one' this time," She puts the last part in air quotes, and instead of teasing her about it, Dan waits for her next word. He knows something is important.

"You're young and eighteen, and in love."

Dan blushes, the grip on his white t-shirt getting tighter. He's said he loves Phil, but only in a friend way, and that was how it was kept. And here's his mom saying that he's in love with Phil as he's packing to meet him in person for the first time like she didn't just out his sexuality.

If Dan is honest, he knows that he is taking a huge risk. But Phil is _Phil_ and Dan can't deny how he feels anymore. He can't even find the strength to respond in general, and he just lets his mother continue talking a little longer because he knows she more than willing to give advice.

"And I know I can't always protect you, but I hope that when you struggle, you know I'm always here for you. And that I'm _proud_ of you."

Dan's breath gets caught in his throat and he finally creaks out of his vocal chords, the thought that's been pushed to the bottom of his heart now surfacing, "I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll be going to Manchester and Phil isn't who I think he is. I know he's real, I've been talking to him for months, but... It's Phil. I'm scared he'll just see me as some kid who's obsessed with him. I'm scared that-" and he chokes the last words out.

"That he doesn't feel the same."

Dan is both relieved and terrified that he just confided that much information to his mother. He's been scared of confronting his sexuality even to himself, let alone his parents. And even now Dan has zero ideas of what the fuck to label himself as. But his mother doesn't press, looking up at him and placing a comforting hand on his bicep. And then she's smiling, so kind that Dan thinks maybe something as stupid as a label doesn't really matter. He's in love with a boy, and that's okay. It doesn't matter if to anyone else it's wrong. For Dan, it's the only thing that's ever felt right.

“Pooh bear,” She says, eyes glossy, “He'd be a fool not to love you.”

 

Dan finds a seat on the train, and it's in between some middle-aged woman talking too loudly to be socially acceptable on her phone and a homeless guy even Dan's nose blind self can smell, but he doesn't care. He gets a text message, and pulls out his phone, knowing it's Phil.

“ _I can't believe I'm going to meet you in person in less than two hours. I've been waiting for months!!!”_

Dan bites his lip. He's nervous, but he's feeling braver than normal, maybe because of what his mom said, but he decides to take a small chance.

_" It feels like I've been waiting for my whole life, honestly."_

And Phil's response is simple, but what he says makes Dan's heart sink and leap at the same time.

“ _Same here.”_

 

Dan steps off the train, his eyes searching around frantically for Phil's familiar face. He doesn't see him right away, and for a moment Dan doubts himself. The feeling he's shown up here for nothing starts to creep in, and he tries not to panic, but it's hard. Maybe he's not good enough. Maybe Phil realizes how immature and lazy Dan is. Maybe he doesn't want to meet him-

“Dan!!!”

He looks to his left to see who called out about 100 feet away, running towards him and grinning like a fool. And then suddenly Dan is dropping his bags on the dirty cement and opening his arms to catch Phil, taking him in and the force of impact is almost enough to push him over. But he doesn't care, and just wraps his arms to fit around the older man's neck, because this is Phil. The AmazingPhil he used to watch whenever he was sad and the Phil that made his heart leap when he first messaged him and the Phil he talked on the phone for hours with and made endless skype calls to and gave him the confidence to start making videos. That same Phil is the one in front of him now, hugging him something fierce and Dan doesn't want to let go.

And then Dan feels Phil's grip around his waist get even tighter. He wonders what Phil is doing at first, and then feels a sudden jolt. And for the few seconds Dan's feet are off the ground, he yelps and laughs in a high pitch, gripping onto Phil's neck even tighter. He can feel people staring at them, judging.

And for the first time, Dan can't find himself to care.

Because Phil is dropping him by accident and then trying to help him regain balance and Dan's still giggling because he can't believe Phil actually tried to spin him around. And then Phil joins in, laughing and smiling and has a firm grip on his arms still to steady him.

 

And once their laughter dies down, Dan opens his eyes to get his first good look at Phil, in person.

Phil's grinning at him, cheeks flushed from his poor attempt at lifting Dan, or maybe even from nerves or embarrassment. His eyes are even brighter in person, the most beautiful blue color that Dan has ever seen and it makes his stomach flip as he sees the crinkles forming in the corner of them. Phil moves his head to fix his fringe, never letting go of Dan for a moment. And Dan can't even find the words to describe how he feels.

Only that this is probably the happiest he's ever been.

“Hi,” Dan breathes, breathy and only semi-labored.

“Hi,” Phil responds, looking off to the side, a tell-tale sign of his nerves.

It seems fitting, that after all the hours of skype and phone calls and thousands of texts, the only thing the both of them can say is hello. And Dan tries to speak, but then Phil is moving his lips, and then they both laugh at trying to speak at the same time. And so Dan motions for Phil to go first, and Phil's eyes and smile soften.

“I just...” He begins, taking his hands off Dan to fix his fringe properly, and gestures towards Dan's entire body. “I just can't believe you're actually here.”

Dan shrugs, before giving out another nervous laugh, “Neither can I, honestly.”

And he can't. For some reason, this all feels like it's a dream that he's going to wake up from. His breath is caught in his throat, but he also feels like he's never known what it was like to live until this moment.

But then Phil is smiling and leaning over to grab one of Dan's bags, pulling him away from his sentimental and embarrassing thoughts. Dan grabs his laptop bag before Phil can so he doesn't seem lazy, and honestly because it's kind of his baby, and then Phil meets his eyes as if he can't look away for too long.

“Let's get your stuff to my place and then we'll grab food?”

And all Dan can do is nod.

The short car ride is nerve-wracking, Phil trying to keep his eye on the road, stealing glances at every red light and Dan is trying not to blatantly stare at Phil but he knows he's doing it anyway. His profile is very prominent and his nose is quirky but doesn't detract just from how _beautiful_ Phil is. In fact, Dan thinks it makes him look even more perfect. Then at a red light, Phil turns to look at him, a found expression sent Dan's way. And suddenly he's letting out a loud, piercing screech, breaking through the silence of the car and Dan's laughing hysterically.

“The fuck was that, Phil?” Dan asks between breathless laughs, and Phil just shrugs, chuckling as well. “I didn't know you spoke raptor.”

Phil smiles, and Dan can tell he's nervous, realizes that Phil can't do much else to break the silence. And it's almost endearing, how Phil has always seemed much more confident and sure in himself, but Dan can tell he's just as nervous as he himself is. So Dan decides to initiate the conversation. He feels awkward, after months of being able to talk so easily and suddenly words seem so hard.

“So, You had told me about this cafe to eat at near the Manchester eye?”

“Oh Yes!” Phil gets excited and Dan is flooded with relief, “You want to go there and then maybe check out some shops?”

 

After that, it gets easier, and they drop off Dan's bags in Phil's family home. It's rather creepy, especially since no one there for the moment, but they only stay for a minute before they are heading out on the public transport. Because he'll be honest it, Phil's a pretty shit driver.

“ _I am not!”_

“ _Oh come on, that was rather terrible and you know it.”_

“ _It's not my fault other people don't know how to drive.”_

_"Sure, it's everyone else's fault but yours."_

The banter is simple and between Phil pouting in such an adorable way, his tongue is sticking out like he's seen a million times between smiles, and the random animal noises and play biting, Dan is finding it harder and harder not lean over and kiss Phil like he's been thinking about doing since the moment he got here.

Dinner is good, not his favorite but he can see why Phil likes the place, and after window shopping and more random food snacks and silly banter, it's getting dark. And then they are passing right by the Manchester eye, and Dan stops in his tracks to look at it.

It's not the biggest Ferris wheel Dan's seen, but as it lights up in the night sky, it certainly is beautiful.

“Hey, Phil?” Dan asks from behind, and the older is turning around.

“Yeah, Dan?”

And Dan doesn't really care for Ferris Wheels, but this one feels like it's calling to him. His gaze drifts from the Eye to Phil then back at the Eye. And Phil is walking back over to stand beside him. Dan looks over at him, into his blue eyes, and notices how in the street lamp's light makes his eyes sparkle with golden flakes. Phil's eyes dart lower for just a second, but Dan still notices, and it makes his breath hitch in anticipation.

Dan Howell is in Manchester with Phil Lester right next to him, and he can't think of anything more he could ever want.

“Could we,” he breathes softly, as though if he speaks any louder it might break this spell, “Could we possibly ride the wheel?”

Phil smiles softly, his eyes crinkling and Dan can feel this burning in his stomach at the sight. He never imagined anyone would look at him this way, let alone Phil. It makes him hopeful, makes him brave. So brave, in fact, that once Phil nods and gives him the okay, Dan decides to take Phil by the hand and lead him towards the Ferris Wheel.

Dan's only lightly holding onto Phil's hand, giving him the option to pull away smoothly and naturally so it can be played off as dragging him along if need be. And if he's honest, Dan's too nervous to look behind him, to see the expression on Phil's face, afraid of the rejection he'll recognize written across his face. So he just continues walking forward, letting Phil trail behind him. He gets worried for a second at Phil's lack of reaction. And then he feels Phil's hand moving, but he's not pulling away. Instead, he lightly jogs for just a second to catch up to Dan, and as he does so, threads his fingers in with Dan's to properly hold it, his in front and Dan's in behind. And now they're walking side by side, and Phil is holding his hand, tight and sure, and Dan finally looks over to see that Phil's smile is even more blinding, if that's even possible.

Dan turns away to continue walking, but also because he knows his face is so red and his heart is so full and beating so rapidly that he can't possibly look anymore. But he's grinning like a fool, and Phil gives him a light, quick squeeze for reassurance, and before Dan knows it they both are in line and Phil is letting go just long enough to quickly pay before taking Dan's hand again and leading him into the Capsule.

They have the compartment all to themselves, and they break apart finally to enjoy the view, both on either side. Dan is looking out across the lights as it makes it's agonizingly slow rotation. The whole city feels as if it's lit up just for the two of them. And even though Dan knows it's not that deep, that this is a tourist trap and this city is just as gloomy as any other city in England, it's still an amazing sight.

“It's so beautiful,” he says.

Dan turns from the window to look at Phil, only to discover that the older boy is already staring back. It makes Dan self-conscious, that Phil wasn't looking at the beautiful view around but at him. Dan's cheeks were already dusted pink, and now he hopes Phil can't see just how red he really is. The silence between them isn't awkward at all; in fact, any lapse of conversation between the two of them has felt natural all day, albeit filled with an unnamed tension. But the way Phil is looking at him is conveying too many different emotions right now that Dan can't place just one. He almost looks like he's zoning out, lost in his own thoughts or disassociating from reality. Phil's nervous, and he's been just as nervous as Dan this whole time, and somehow it overrides Dan's own anxieties.

Dan takes a deep breath and smiles at Phil from across capsule. “Thank you, Phil,” is what he decides to say, and it makes Phil snap out of whatever thought he was having.

"Of course," Phil smiles. After a moment, he lets out a breathy laugh, "Thank _you_ , Dan. For coming here to visit. You really put a lot of faith and trust in me and I want-” Phil looks almost surprised at what he was about to say, and averts his gaze, the whites of his eyes more prominent. It makes Dan wonder what his first thought was, “I want you to have a nice time, is all.”

The last part is quiet, and it holds such a hint of sadness that Dan almost misses it, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. He sees the way Phil fixes his fringe and fidgets his fingers on the railing, and Dan instinctively takes a step forward. He wants to reach out, but he doesn't, not yet. He wants to comfort, not scare.

“Phil...” the question is on the tip of his tongue, and he sees Phil flinch as he knows what's coming, “What's wrong?”

Phil laughs nervously, and he's avoiding eye contract still, and it makes Dan frown, "Nothing's wrong, Dan- just..." He meets Dan's eyes again, but it's not as reassuring as it once was. "I'm just overthinking."

Dan understands. He overthinks everything too. But he knows that's not just it, and he doesn't want Phil to censor his feelings if somethings wrong.

He walks over to Phil's side, placing his left hand on Phil's bicep and rubs gently with his thumb in a gesture he hopes is comforting, but he feels the muscles underneath tense. Phil's breath hitches, and Dan realizes just how close they really are. He can swear Phil's stare goes from his eyes, his lips, and back up again. And then Dan decides to take the advice he's about to give Phil for himself.

“Then don't think.”

The silence is deafening as the wheel moves slowly, almost at the top now, but Dan's not looking anywhere else but Phil. It's almost as if time is moving slowly, and he's staring up into Phil's eyes. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he registers that they are almost the same height, and he wonders if he'll end up taller one day.

Phil is simultaneously looking like a deer in headlights and a lion sizing up their prey, and Dan didn't know it was possible to find someone so adorable and attractive all at once. But then Phil is tearing his eyes away from Dan and walking away and Dan no longer has a hold of him or the situation. He's speechless for a second, but hurt for much longer. The shame of rejection starts pouring over him and he's trying to swallow it down because obviously something is wrong with his friend but it's _hard_.

Phil's hugging himself, arms crossed and avoiding Dan's gaze, and again he's laughing quietly to himself. But this time it's dry and pained, and almost ironically, “I don't think that's a good idea, Dan.”

Dan's sighing now, exasperated and confused and so fucking _hurt_ because, “Why?!”

Phil's eyes shoot up at Dan raising his voice, as if he's shocked and didn't expect it. And Dan knows it's unfair to be yelling when he's the one trying to comfort, but he sighs and runs a frustrated hand through his hair and knows he's acting as young as his age makes him seem.

“I don't _want_ you to censor yourself around me, Phil,” He explains, desperate and whiny and raw as he lays his soul out in front of this person. A type of person he never thought was possible to have for himself in the first eighteen years of his life. Someone sweet, and funny, and kind, who understood him even in his most embarrassing moments.

Someone to call a friend.

“If something is going on, you can tell me. I don't know if you realize it yet, but you're literally the most important person in my life.” Dan's breathless, trying not to laugh at his own incredulous statement. He's shaking his head and walking closer, invading Phil's space but it doesn't seem nearly close enough, “I know this is our first time meeting in person, but I've known you for months. I trust you with everything in my life, Phil. _Everything.”_

Phil's eyes clench tightly shut, and Dan puts a hand on each of his arms, not hard enough so Phil can move but enough to get through to him. Whatever Phil needed, Dan wanted to give, and finally, Phil blurts out, "Well maybe you shouldn't, Dan. Maybe I don't trust myself."

Dan stares, trying to rack his brain on what Phil could possibly even mean by that, “Phil, you don't-”

“I don't trust myself,” he interrupts, his frowning as he moves his fringe with a swift head turn and looks Dan in the eye. His own seem to glisten with unshed tears, and it's breaking Dan, “I don't trust myself not to take advantage of you.”

Now Dan's shaking his head and staring in disbelief, motioning with his hands dramatically, “What bloody hell do you mean, you spoon?! Do you know how utterly ridiculous you sound, What would you even want to take advan- _?”_

“Come on, Dan, you're not possibly this dense are you?”

Phil just sounds... defeated at this point, and Dan's throat is closing with the amount of pressure he's feeling. It's almost as if he can't make a sound, because the only other option besides denial is one too good to be true. He wonders how long this has been on his mind, what triggered Phil to think this way.

Phil sighs, pushing his fringe back and it's incredibly sexy but also incredibly sad because he thinks he's starting to understand why Phil is irrationally scared. “Dan...” Phil's looking straight into his eyes, his blue eyes desperate and lustful. It's a storm, a tsunami, a tidal wave, the blue a dark angry ocean and the gold lightning bolts straight into Dan's heart, “Your family was right to worry about me, because all I can think about is how much I want _you_.”

The last word is said in such a low tone, one Dan's never heard Phil use and it sends absolute _shivers_ down his spine, against every disc and vertebrae and it tingles into his nerves down his arms and legs. The wheel comes to a slow stop at the very top of the Eye, but he couldn't care less. He stares into the abyss of Phil's blue eyes and Dan's pupils dialate so bad they're completely black. And then he snaps, the tension and want and _need_ breaking like an overextended rubber band.

It takes Dan just over a second to close the distance between them as he steps forward and pulls Phil by the wrist. His right arm reaches up and he threads his fingers into Phil's long, dyed locks as he crashes their lips together for a searing kiss. It's a little off centered and their noses press slightly together, but Dan can feel it, that spark, that intensity he's been imagining for months. Phil isn't responding yet, but this isn't about getting heated on the Manchester eye. It's about conveying to his older, more experienced and impossibly kind friend that Daniel wanted just as much, if not more. And then Phil is finally relaxing, letting himself enjoy this and he takes Dan's hand that pulled him in and threads their fingers together. Their lips move slow, and Phil tilts his head so they both have better access. It's so sweet and innocent and loving that it makes Dan want to cry.

When he pulls away he leaves a quick, final kiss, and Phil unconsciously leans forward to chase after his lips. It makes Dan smile, and Phil looks dazed and surprised, yet happy and sated. And Dan's glad he could get through to Phil, that this wasn't him taking advantage of Dan's fanaticism or trust or friendship.

"Phil," Dan chuckles and shakes his head lovingly, smiling as he squeezes Phil's hand. His right hand moves to cup his beautiful and prominent cheekbone, caressing him softly with his thumb. Phil's translucent skin has a pink tinge that Dan knows he's mirroring, the storm in his blue eyes is now a serene and crystal lake. "You're such an idiot sometimes. There's _nothing_ you could do I wouldn't be okay with. Just don't murder me or sell me my organs on the black market, okay?”

Then Phil's sputtering out a laugh and nodding his head, and Dan's leaning forward to curl into Phil's chest, Phil leaning back against the railing of the capsule. And Phil accepts him. He Accepts him into his arms, into his life, accepting him in every way possible. Dan feels Phil's hand thread through his hair as he leans into their embrace, Dan's arms wrapping around Phil's midsection. It's awkward because of their similar height, but it couldn't feel any more perfect, and Phil kisses the top of his head and his hands on the hair at the nape of his neck tingle and Dan wonders what he did in his 18 years of being on this earth to deserve someone like Phil.

The wheel begins its descent, and Dan looks up from where he's leaning on Phil to stare back into his eyes. Dan knows he's looking at Phil as if he holds the answers to all of life's impossible questions, all of the admiration and adoration and _love_ he's ever possessed seeping through his body, but he can't help it. Phil laughs breathlessly, cradling Dan's head in his hand while the other rests carefully on the small of his back.

“You're so beautiful, Daniel.”

And Phil sounds so genuine, so absolutely enamored and devoted and honest that Dan has to believe it's true.

Phil leans in this time, capturing Dan's lips a lot more skillfully and gracefully than Dan had attempted earlier. It's smooth and gentle and _hot_ , the warmth of Phil's mouth setting his body on fire. Dan opens his mouth immediately, accepting Phil inside as they fall into a deep rhythm, moving against one another and feeling the gentle suck of their making out. Phil's exploring Dan's mouth while the hand around his waist starts to go underneath Dan's t-shirt, and the cold touch of his fingertips against the bare, heated skin of his stomach is almost too much of a sensation. It causes Dan to audibly gasp, and he's panting and his heart is racing and Phil pushes off Dan's stomach and flips them around quickly so the younger is now the one leaning back against the railing.

Okay, so maybe _now_ it's about getting heated on the Manchester eye.

Phil breaks the kiss in favor of trailing Dan's skin down his chin and neck with his mouth, while his cold hands find their way up Dan's torso, effectively rucking up his white t-shirt even higher. Phil's thumbs reach his already erect nipples the same time as he places his lips in the crook of Dan's neck. Dan's breath hitches, his neck being one of the most intense and personal places on his body, but his instincts make him tilt his head to give Phil more access to his pulse point. And then Phil's holding him down by wrapping his hands around the side of his ribcage, thumbs rubbing his sensitive nipples as he begins nibbling and kissing his neck. Dan let's out a loud moan that turns into a fucking _whine_ as Phil sucks on the erogenous area, Dan's fingers tightening into the back of his button up. It stings and aches but it feels so _good_ and Dan bucks up as a reaction, his dick already getting hard. Phil pushes his knee forward to pry Dan's legs apart, and then he's pressing his thigh up against Dan's crotch, feeling his erection grow against him, _because_ of him.

Dan's moaning loudly, forgetting where they are as he grinds down on Phil's thigh in a desperate attempt at relieving some of the pressure he's feeling. He elongates Phil's name, a needy and wanton sound so loud it shows he's forgotten where they were a long time ago. He's acting every bit of the horny teenager he is, and Phil's obviously loving it, his grip on Dan's torso tightening as he slots his own erection against Dan's body. It feels nice and hard and _thick_ , and the fact that Dan's the reason for it spurs him on even more.

“ _Phil.”_

“Shit, _Fuck_ , Dan...”

Hearing Phil curse is probably the hottest thing to ever exist, Dan thinks.

The wheel abruptly stops and they hear a quick ding to signal the ride's end, and Phil and Dan pull apart from each other so fast Dan wonders for a second if it even happened. He's straightening his shirt that road up too far and Phil is fixing his fringe and when the door opens they both greet the older gentleman running the eye with guilty, beat red faces who is looking back at them with disdain and disgust as if he already knew what just happened.

They both are equally horrified at being caught, but Phil has enough wits about him to grab Dan's hand and drag him out of the situation before any of them say anything stupid. Dan's heart is beating fast and both of them are avoiding eye contact as they walk to the bus stop, and it's only once they've paid and are seated that Dan and Phil look over at each other, with equally heated and ashamed faces before bursting into fits of giggles. Everyone is staring at them, but Dan doesn't care.

And he realizes that when he's with Phil, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

 

Phil offers Dan the shower first when they get back, and Dan accepts it gratefully after the long day of traveling and running around Manchester. He tries to let the hot water ease the anxiety and nerves pooling in his stomach, but his mind is still racing at the anticipation of what is to come. It wasn't like they explicitly said anything, but Dan is at least hoping _something_ happens tonight. Part of him thinks it's moving too fast, but the other part, the bigger part, has never felt more ready. He knows his brain is overthinking, but he wants this, wants _Phil_ so bad it drives him crazy. He stares at the tile, hugging himself under the warm spray of the shower, his fingertips lightly scratching at his shoulder.

He thinks about his previous sexual encounters, the only times being with his ex-girlfriend. It was awkward and nerve-wracking and he didn't know what he was doing, but her hands felt nice on him and she seemed to really like his mouth. She didn't want to go much farther than that, which Dan completely respected because hell, who was he to complain about any amount of action or lack thereof. But part of him wishes right about now he had more to go on than just his tiny amount of experience.

He knows he needs to finish up soon in case Phil starts to worry so he finishes washing quickly and gets out, using the towel Phil gave him to dry his hair of any access water and wipe himself dry before changing into a baggy sleep shirt and shorts. He hates the way his clothes stick to his skin from the shower, but he's also feeling really insecure and doesn't know what is appropriate or not for right now.

Dan stares at himself in the fogged mirror, the wavy curls on his head framing his face and making him feel even younger. He knows he's not bad looking, but he can't imagine ever finding himself attractive. His mind travels back to when they were on the Eye, Phil pressed up against him, calling him beautiful, and his cheeks heat up at the thought.

Knowing that Phil thinks he's attractive gives Dan the strength to grab the clothes he wore earlier and walk out of the bathroom to Phil's room.

Phil's waiting patiently on his bed, staring at his laptop when Dan opens the door and he looks up. His eyes widen almost immediately and his jaw is lax and Dan feels self-conscious at his blatant staring. Dan furrows his brows and is about to ask what's wrong, before Phil blurts out, "your hair is _so_ cute.”

Dan let's out a laugh, tilting his head back as he throws the clothes he was wearing earlier at Phil in retaliation. “Shut up, you dork!” He sits down at the edge of Phil's bed and tries to push his curls more to the side to no avail as he side-eyes Phil. "I know, I look stupid, don't make fun of me."

Phil puts his laptop on his side table before moving closer, sitting side by side to Dan, “That's not what I meant at all.” And then he's smiling timidly and moves his own fringe out of his eyes, his cheeks tinted pink. “I really love your curls, Dan. You're so-”

Phil pauses, reaching up to caress his cheek, fingers dancing with the ends of his curls and Dan feels his heart race not for the first time today. The softness of Phil's touch isn't something he thinks he'll ever get used to.

Phil pulls his hand away, leaving Dan aching for more.

“I don't know why you turn me into this cheesy mess. I hate cheese.”

Dan looks completely confused, “Wait- cheesy as in romantic, or like feta and gouda?”

Phil frowns like a child who didn't get his dessert and rubs his stomach, “I don't like cheese! It tastes weird and hurts my tummy.”

And then Dan's laughing, his voice going up an octave as he holds his sides, “Just go take your shower, you weirdo!”

The tension has dissipated into a small hum now, Phil giving Dan a kind smile before grabbing a towel and making his way to the shower.

Leaving Dan to take in the bedroom he's seen in so many videos and skype calls.

Everything in this room was so _Phil_ it was insane. From the small plant in the corner to the bedspread he sat on to the pile of games and movies on his shelves. This almost was surreal, being in this bedroom, taking in the scented candles and something just so... Phil.

The nerves and doubt from earlier creep back the longer he's left alone. Phil didn't say there was a guest bedroom, and he had told Dan he'd be waiting for him in his bedroom while he showered. Even if there was a spare bed, Dan wouldn't want to use it. He wants tonight to feel organic, something maybe not planned, but he doesn't want to seem inexperienced or like he can't give something to Phil. He doesn't want to assume sex is going to happen, but he also _really_ wants to have sex with Phil.

He's about to have sex with Philip _Fucking_ Micheal Lester.

The thought hits him like a speeding car on the autobahn, and he doesn't know what to do with the realization that this is real life. That Phil is even a part of his life. All because he decided to click on some silly youtube video and got the courage to come up with a bullshit excuse like 'editing tips.'

Smooth, Howell.

He wants to be good for him. He wants to _make_ it good for him. He feels just about as young as he looks and his body is reacting in kind, already giving him that familiar ache and making his manhood stand at half mast. Dan absentmindedly reaches beneath the elastic band on his gym shorts to relieve some pressure, sighing as he adjusts himself and gives a small squeeze.

He's in Philip _Fucking_ Micheal Lester's room, touching himself, on his bed, and the thought is enough to get him erect and palming at his dick. Dan's eyes slide shut in pleasure, squeezing and massaging as he feels it stretch against the dark nylon material. And then he's laying on his back, against the soft pillows, body going limp as he spreads out and raises a relaxed knee for his right foot to sit flat on the bed. Dan's left hand works his shaft slowly while his right fists the bedsheets underneath him. And he's involuntarily letting out a breathy moan of Phil's name.

“ _Phiiiiliiip....”_

“ _Jesus Fucking Christ.”_

Dan's eyes open in shock as he tears his hand away and leans forward on his forearms. Phil stands there half naked in his pokemon pajama bottoms, hair wet and pushed to the side off his forehead, eyes nearly popped out of his sockets and pupils blown Dan can barely see the blue rim of his irises. And then Phil's eyes narrow in, sizing him up which such a predatory gaze it sends Dan's pulse racing. Dan's cheeks are a beet red, embarrassed for not thinking and getting caught doing something so lewd.

“S-sorry,” He stutters dumbly. “I wasn't- I didn't mean-”

“Keep going.”

It's said so weak and breathless Dan isn't sure if Phil actually said it at first. But then Phil's gaze trails down his body like a wolf about to feast before quickly looking back into his eyes, and Dan realizes that _yes,_ Phil just told Dan to touch himself as he watches.

The thought alone makes Dan's cock twitch in excitement.

Phil looks nervous and electrified yet hungry and lustful, and Dan watches as his pale chest moves and contracts with every heavy breath. Phil's not muscular but he is toned, his skin taught with definition that protrudes his hipbones very slightly as his bottoms rest right underneath. Phil is just so incredibly attractive, tense and waiting for _something,_ and Dan bites his lip nervously. Not wanting to disappoint, He looks up to meet Phil's gaze once more, before dipping his left hand underneath the waistband of his shorts.

And then Dan's touching himself, watching Phil's predatory gaze drift down to his crotch as he works himself slowly. Something about Phil's presence, eyes on him like a show makes his senses so much more heightened, and it's not long until Dan can no longer keep his eyes open. He throws his head back and lays down, Phil's pillows soft against his head. Dan lets out an involuntary moan and turns his head to the side in embarrassment, blushing heat creeping down his flushed neck. He opens one eye, the one not currently squished into Phil's pillow to look up at his new lover.

Phil's erection is starting to poke out of his pajama bottoms, and the older let's out a low groan at the wanton sight of Dan laying there on his bed, touching himself and moaning. It feels so _good_ , so exotic and naughty and Phil looks so _wrecked_ just watching him. Dan tightens his grip around his shaft and works with more confidence, using long and dragged out strokes that feel so good he lets out another high pitched whine. It makes Phil reach down and cup himself through his pants, squeezing and licking his bottom lip as he watches the show.

And Dan can't take anymore.

He fucking _whimpers,_ “Phil, _please._..”

Phil doesn't need any more incentive to start moving than that.

He moves fast, hovering over Dan's body as he smacks away Dan's hand and grabs a hold of his waistband. He pulls down, Dan lifting his hips eagerly to help slide the shorts off the curvature of his ass. And suddenly Phil's eyes are lined up with his erect cock, leaking and standing proud against his abdomen. Phil's groaning at the sight.

“God, Dan, you're so fucking _perfect_.”

Dan whines, keening at the praise as Phil takes his erection in his large hand, running his pre-cum down the shaft and fingering against the slit. Dan cries out, surprised at the sensation before his voice shifts to a loud moan as Phil works him fast.

“Phil, fuck, _please.”_

Phil groans, leaning over to place a slow kiss on Dan's left hip. He pushes Dan's baggy shirt up to expose more of his body, leaving a trail of kisses upwards until reaching the hem of his shirt once more. Dan sits up quickly to help take it off, and then Phil leans back on his knees, taking in all of Dan's body. He's never felt more exposed, a public display for only Phil's eyes to see. It makes him want to shrink away, to cover himself back up, but instead, he leans back on his hands, trying to concentrate on the obvious desire coursing through Phil instead of his insecurities.

“You're so gorgeous, Dan,” Phil says before leaning forward to wrap an arm around his waist. Phil uses his other hand to move his fringe off his forehead and places a soft kiss on Dan's temple, so tender and loving it's almost too much for Dan to handle.

He's nervous, trembling slightly and leaning into Phil's touch, the hand he's got on Dan's waist trailing lower again and ghosting along his pubic hair. But he also feels desperate, wanting Phil more than he's ever wanted anything. He tilts his head up to capture the older's lips, kissing fervently to distract himself, exploring Phil's warm mouth.

Phil responds in kind, grasping a hold of Dan's erection once more and it makes Dan gasp in surprise. Phil then takes the opportunity kiss down Dan's neck, nipping and sucking and leaving more bruises to go along with the giant one he gave earlier in the Ferris Wheel. Phil's hand is on his dick and his mouth is mutilating his most sensitive area, and he's filled with so much _want_ it's become a _need._

“ _Fuck_ me.”

It's blurted out thoughtlessly, and Dan freezes up at his own words. Phil goes still as well, and he looks up into Dan's eyes, his pupils blown and taking him in with a Shocked expression.

The older man takes a moment to just breathe, coming down from his thoughtless high, and takes Dan's hand. It's gentle and comforting and endearing and just so _Phil_ , it makes Daniel's heart sink.

“Daniel, are you sure?” Phil asks, concern evident in his voice. Of _course_ Phil would check in and make sure Dan meant what he said. He's acutely aware of his pulse beating out of his chest, and he can't stop his body from shaking. Phil squeezes his hand, patient and thoughtful, letting Dan have the control over the situation.

Something Dan didn't realize he needed.

“I- I don't know.”

And Phil's moving, but this time he's grabbing his bed sheet and laying it across Dan's lap, comforting and covering him so Dan didn't have to feel so exposed. He leans in, holding Dan's hand with his left and wrapping his right arm around Dan's shoulder. And Dan's starting to feel warm and protected, Phil once again saving him and easing him when doubt fills his head. He leans into Phil's chest, and the two stay like that for a good minute, Dan listening to Phil's heartbeat and trying to match his breathing with Phil's.

After a minute or two of this, Phil finally speaks, soothing, “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Dan's still incredibly hard, Phil's kindness turning him on even more, but he knows he needs to talk about it.

“I just-” He sighs, sitting up enough to look at Phil, “I'm scared.”

Phil nods, gently rubbing Dan's shoulder, “About what? Is it sex? We can take it slow if you want, I'm not expecting anything, Daniel. We can just cuddle and kiss and listen to music or watch something. I promise.”

Dan feels so juvenile when Phil speaks so frank. Of _course_ Phil is concerned he's going to coerce Dan into doing something he doesn't want.

“It's not- not that.” Dan sighs, moving his curly mop off his face again to try and wipe the sweat from his brow, “I want to, I do. I just... I've never done this before.”

Phil leans over and places a light kiss on his shoulder, “Well, we can do this at your pace. I can guide you through it, and you can let me know what you want. We'll learn together.”

Dan nods. “That sound... nice, learning together,” He sighs, this time in relief and can't help but ask what's been on his mind, “Have you- have you done this before?”

Phil hesitates to answer for a second but nods anyway, and the information is more of a relief to Dan than anything else. He lets out a breathless laugh, “At least one of us knows what they're doing.”

Phil is slightly flat, "I mean, it's always different, depending on who you're with. Yeah, I know what to do, but that's the fun of a first time with someone. You get to learn and explore each other. Get to know yourself better, and your partner."

How Phil always knew the right thing to say, Dan will never know.

Daniel smiles, squeezes Phil's hand, “I want to know you better, too.”

Phil kisses his cheek before nuzzling into his neck affectionately, “We have all night.” He looks up, smiling at Dan with such light it's almost blinding, “Hell, we have until you leave to get it right.”

And then Dan's nervous again, thinking about the end of this trip. And he realizes what's been eating at him all along.

“And then what?” He asks, hopeful but honest. “After I leave, what then?”

Dan doesn't want to be just a part-time lover. He doesn't want leaving to mean the end of them. Not when it feels like his life has only just begun.

Phil moves, sitting straight in front of him. And his eyes are serious as he looks at Dan.

“Then we have the rest our lives to get it right.”

 

Dan moves fast after that, kissing Phil with a renewed sense of passion and nerves evaporating into thin air. He's crawling on top of him, blue and green bedsheets falling off his body to reveal himself once more. And soon he's sitting in Phil's lap, hands on each side of his face and pressing himself as close as he can. Phil's hands are on his back, massaging and feeling, exploring and Dan grinds down, his hips pressing against Phil's clothed erection and both men groan in pleasure.

Phil rasps against Dan's lips, “What is it you want, Danny?”

And Dan moans as his hips move again. “Want to see you, too... Want to touch you. Want to try to suck you off.”

Cause Dan _does_ want that. He wants that _so_ bad.

And apparently, Phil does too, cause he's flipping Dan around and pinning him to the bed so he's on top, hastily getting rid of his comical pajama trousers.

Dan giggles, staring as Phil gets caught on his feet. and then Phil trips as he kicks them off, landing on top of Dan.

And ouch... that hurt.

But Dan just laughs harder, Pushing at Phil's chest, “Get off of me, you clumsy clod!!!”

Phil joins in, giggling as he picks himself up, and Leans back on his shins. And once the laughter's died down, Dan gets a chance to look at Phil, fully naked.

How a sight can make a man's mouth dry and water at the same time.

Phil's smiling beneath his fringe, shy but with a laid-back indifference to being naked that only comes with age and experience in sexual situations. The kind where even if there are nerves and insecurities about being so exposed, you can power through it in favor of making your partner happy. He doesn't feel the need to cover himself, and Dan's grateful for that, eyes scanning down the creamy pale thighs on each side of his hip. Phil's dick is already a decent size at half mast, uncut and resting against a mixture of auburn and brown curls. Dan bites his lip, looking at how his pubic hair gets even lighter as it goes up his pale stomach.

Phil's more beautiful than he could have ever imagined.

Dan's uses Phil's pillows and headboard to get some leverage and leans forward. He places his hands on the small of Phil's waist and pulls him forward to kiss his stomach, nipping and sucking slowly and the skin just above his pelvis.

“ _God,_ Phil,” He whispers, grabbing a handful of his ass and _holy shit_ it's even more perfect in person, “it's _literally_ not fair how gorgeous you are.”

Phil's found a way to moan and laugh at the same time as he runs a comforting hand through Dan's curls.

“Speak for yourself.”

But Dan's too busy looking down at Phil's cock to listen now, and slowly brings a curious hand down to touch. He traces his fingertips across the tip, and Phil exhales.

Dan looks up at Phil, who meets his gaze as he spits in the palm of his hand, "Tell me if I do something wrong, okay?"

Phil nods, and then Dan's grasping him, jerking him off as if he's working himself. He pulls back the skin to reveal the head and moves, tight and slow, using the small amount of precum there for more slippage. Phil's dick is so fucking pretty, the circumference thicker than his own and growing to an impressive amount, just slightly smaller in length. Dan feels his body clenching at the thought of it stretching around his ass.

“A little faster, Dan.” Phil breathes slowly, and Dan lifts his head to see the way Phil's looking down at him as if he's God himself, “Flick your wrist at the top.”

Dan obliges, loosening his grip and working quickly, flicking his wrist right at the head meets and, “Oh,” Phil moans out in approval, “Yeah, like _that.”_

It encourages Dan so much that he decides to give an experimental lick, tasting the silky precum starting to form. It's salty but not bitter, and he continues giving small kitten licks to the head. He knows vaguely what to do, he's seen enough porn to know what might feel good, so he hopes he's not too awful at this. He feels Phil's grip tighten on his sweaty mop of curls, which makes Dan feel confident enough to turn and give a long, slow lick to the veiny underside.

Phil shudders and leans against the wall with his left hand, and his right tightens even more in his hair. “D-Dan, _please.”_ Phil's the one begging now, nudging his hips impatiently and that power gives Dan a rush. He places his hand on the bottom half of his cock and goes down, opening wide to take Phil into his mouth. He moves his head up and down, getting a feel for Phil's member in his throat, seeing how far he can go and makes sure to move his teeth out of the way. It feels heavy on his tongue, but Dan likes it, he _really_ likes it.

Then Phil's chuckling softly, and Dan pulls up, questioning him with a small pout.

He smiles down at Dan, fond and encouraging, “Try sucking just a little bit for me. Okay, baby?”

Dan nods, eager to please and get it right, and goes back down on Phil. This time he's sucking gently, hollowing his cheeks just a little bit as he moves. He uses his lips and the roof of his mouth to his advantage, and Phil moans in approval. “ _Yes_ , Dan, Just like that.”

Dan moans at the praise against Phil's cock, which makes the other boy curse even louder, pulling at his curls to the point that Dan can feel the slight strain on his follicles. "Use your hand and move it with your head." Dan tries it, and for the first couple of strokes it goes well, but it gets difficult to focus on both things at once. He loses the rhythm rather quickly, and tries to stop for a second to try again.

Which is when Phil accidentally bucks forward into Dan's mouth.

Dan pulls away as fast as he can, gagging and unintentionally grazes his teeth.

“Ah, Fuck!” Phil hisses and collapses beside Dan, face scrunching up and grabs himself protectively. Dan sits up, coughing, voice thrashed and throat tickling at the sudden deep throat.

“S- sorry.” Dan stutters out, breathing heavily.

“Don't be, shit Dan, I'm sorry.”

They both take a minute to catch their breath, and once Dan doesn't feel like he's going to throw up anymore looks over at Phil beside him. Phil doesn't look mad at all that Dan nearly bit off his dick, in fact, he looks more giddy and happy than anything else.

"That was good, Daniel." He praises, caressing his soft cheek and coaxing Dan into giving him another kiss. It's gentle and sweet and makes Dan relax as their tongues slide together lazily.

After a few moments, Phil pulls back and smiles, “I really, _really_ liked it.”

Dan smiles shyly, pushing his hair from his face and biting his lip, “me, too.”

Phil looks as if his brain short circuits at that, and Dan throws his head back with laughter.

“You're so beautiful,” is the only warning Dan gets before Phil's pressing him back into the mattress and kissing him once more.

Dan giggles happily, moaning and kissing back in approval, and wraps his arms around Phil. Phil then takes the opportunity as a distraction, moving Dan's legs apart so he can comfortably get in between. Phil pulls back and they look into each other's eyes, and Dan's never felt so loved in his entire life.

“Daniel.”

Phil says his name like a prayer.

And Dan answers, smiling back at him.

Phil moves quickly and leans off to the side to reach into his bedside dresser. He pulls out a bottle of lube easily, throwing it next to Dan's head and then starts rummaging again. After a couple of seconds, he freezes, "Shit."

Dan turns his head, concerned, “What's wrong, Phil?”

He follows Phil as he relaxes into his previous position and looks down at him once more. He looks sheepish, embarrassed and apologetic as he scratches the back of his head nervously, "I... I didn't think I needed to buy any cause I bought some a couple months ago, but..." he sighs, shoulders dropping, "I must've thrown them out or misplaced them. My brother might have stolen them, I'm not sure."

Dan supposes that should be some sort of red flag with anyone else, but he knows Phil enough to realize just how embarrassed he is at the situation, his neck turning red and avoiding Dan's gaze. And sure he's taken health classes, he knows how to practice safe sex, but somehow even the off chance of Phil accidentally contracting something from an ex or college fling doesn't bother him as much as it probably should. He knows it's the hormones, the fact he's so turned on and in love and young and stupid.

Dan puts his hand on Phil's forearm, smiling once he's got Phil's full attention.

“I trust you.”

He can see the flicker of lust in Phil's eyes at his statement, and the older groans, obviously torn. He rests his head on Dan's stomach, holding his sides and placing a gentle kiss at his navel. "That's not okay, Dan," he says, desperate to keep his composure. Then he's sucking and nipping at the skin, working his way up to his chest. Dan moans loudly, mostly because it feels good but also because he's trying to get Phil to break.

Phil looks up once he reaches Dan's neck, serious, “You can't just start practicing unsafe sex because you trust me. You don't want to make it a habit.”

Apparently, arousal makes Dan braver than he normally is, because he knows exactly what to do to get Phil to say yes, to get Phil to let loose and get rid of that caring attitude.

Dan takes Phil's head in his hand and kisses him slowly, nibbling at his bottom lip and grinning when he feels Phil shiver. And then Dan lazily wraps his left arm and leg around Phil's neck and waist respectively. He can feel Phil's chest pressed against his, and moves so he can get his whole body close. And then he rolls his hips into Phil's, using his leg as leverage to grind against his dick and both of them gasp in surprise at how good it feels.

"Phil," Dan moans, whorish and loud, looking at his lover so close he's going cross-eyed. His voice is high pitched and desperate, begging, "Then make me yours. _Only_ yours. And _Fuck me good_ so I can't imagine getting fucked by anyone else.”

Phil fucking _whines_ , grinding into Dan and making the younger cry out in pleasure. Phil's dick is hot and hard against his, and Dan quickly grabs the bottle of lube beside his head and shoves it at Phil, aching to feel it inside of him.

Phil sits up enough to pour the lube on his fingers and glares at Dan, “No one will do this to you but _me._ ”

It's a command, one with jealousy and possessiveness, and it turns Dan on so fucking much, the thought of Phil owning him, only being his, "yes."

He spread his legs, lifting his ass and lets Phil shove his duvet under his bum for support.

“No one will _see_ you like this but me.”

“Fuck, _yes._ ”

And Phil's fingertips trace along the rim of his asshole, coating it generously before sliding in a slender finger.

Dan sighs, forcing himself to relax and allows himself to appreciate Phil's technique. He remembers when he fingered himself last night, imagining this exact scenario, and appreciates how much _better_ this is. It's weird but nice, and Phil's using enough lube it doesn't hurt. And soon he's adding his middle finger and the stretch only slightly burns inside, but it feels so _good._ Phil pumps in and out of him quickly, and Dan grinds down on his fingers, meeting his thrusts fervently. Then Phil curls his fingers in the right way and hits his prostate dead on, and Dan cries out, "Fuck, Phil, _yes_ , more...!”

Phil adds a third finger, and Dan's trembling at the stretch, and it burns but Phil's pounding against his prostate and he's not sure he can take much more abuse.

Dan's eyes shut close as he begs, his shame thrown out the window, "Please, Phil, _fuck me_ , jesus, fuck me...”

Phil groans, “You take my fingers so well, Daniel, so beautiful, but you're not stretched enough yet.”

Dan shakes his head, “Don't care, wanna feel you for days, _please.”_

Phil manages to ignore Dan's incessant begging for his own good and it's driving Dan fucking insane. But after awhile Phil finally seems satisfied enough to withdraw his fingers, watching as Dan's stretched hole clenches around nothing.

“ _Fuck,_ Dan, you're so _beautiful.”_

Phil picks up Dan's legs, and Dan complies by wrapping them behind Phil's thighs and locking them secure so they aren't in the way. He watches as Phil lines himself up, chest pounding in anticipation and gives Phil a sure nod when he meets his eyes to ask permission.

And then he's pushing in, agonizingly slow, and it takes all of Dan's willpower not to tense up.

He's glad Phil didn't listen to him earlier, because even with all the preparation, nothing could have prepared him for _this._ Having Phil stretched inside him burns and aches and his body is somehow trying to suck him in while also trying to expel the foreign intrusion. He whimpers and tears are forming in his eyes, and Phils placing an infinite amount of kisses on his face, wiping every tear away and praising him.

"You're doing so well, love, so good. God, you're taking me so well, you feel so hot and _tight_. God, Dan, you're so beautiful... Can't believe you're here, like this."

It hurts, it hurts so bad, but it also feels so good. He's never felt so full, so complete. It's incredible and amazing and Phil's amazing, and it's also a lot, it's too much. Phil holds him, shaking and trembling as he struggles to keep still himself. And Even now Phil's saving him, waiting patiently and putting Dan's needs before his own. Phil moves one of Dan's hands so it rests on his chest, and Dan can feel Phil's heart beating, rapid but steady.

“ _Breathe,_ Daniel.”

He listens, focusing on Phil's breathing, his heart, on _Phil._ He tries to match his breathing and feels himself coming back enough to relax, to ground him and soon enough the pain is getting better.

Once it subsides into a dull ache, Dan takes a deep breath.

“Move. _Please,_ Move.”

Phil obliges, pulling out just enough to push back in, and the both of them moan together at just how incredible it feels.

Phil's movements are slow, stretching him out more and searching for a rhythm they both can handle. Dan's nerves are being stimulated in the best of ways and Phil's moans won't stop, feeling Dan's insides with his cock and twitching with each thrust.

“ _So perfect, Dan.”_

He finds Dan's prostate and Dan let's out a surprised gasp.

“ _There_ , Phil. _There..!”_

And Phil moves, hard and fast and aiming for that same spot every time.

Dan's loud, moaning and pushing back as he grabs his erection and pumps himself to the timing of Phil's thrusts. He knows he won't last long, and Phil's shaking on top of him, grinding and pushing inside as much as he can. They've found their rhythm, and Phil and Dan's voices are singing, and Phil collapses onto his forearms to avoid crushing Dan as they both chase their release.

Dan comes first, shouting and riding out his orgasm, hot spurts covering them both. Phil moves to pull out but Dan purposefully locks him in place with his legs and makes Phil fuck him past his limits, over stimulated and wrecked.

Dan sobs as Phil reaches his climax, screaming Dan's name and coming deep inside of him. It's intimate and perfect and he's so overstimulated he doesn't feel like he's even alive, like he's ascended into some higher level of Valhalla.

Phil kisses him, slow and soft, leaving praises on his lips and coaxing him down to earth.

“You did so good, Dan. You're so good, so good for me. You're perfect....”

He's crying softly, but it's not for anything bad. And Phil seems to understand, and he pulls out slowly as to not hurt him and moves to lay beside Dan. Phil pulls him close, wrapping his arms around Dan and presses him into his chest. He kisses the back of Dan's head and plays softly with his wet hair, the curls now a controlled chaos.

Dan's tears eventually stop, and he leans back into Phil, feeling him everywhere outside and inside his body, literally leaking out of his pores.

They lay there in comfortable silence, spooning and coming down from their respective highs, basking in their first time.

Dan doesn't know how long they've laid there, processing what all just happened. He's still high from his orgasm and his backside is aching with a pain that's worse than anything he's experienced. before he turns his head and Phil lifts his body to look down at him.

“You okay?” Phil asks, smiling and sweaty and shy.

Dan takes the hand Phil has draped over his body and kisses his fingers, one by one.

"I'm _amazing_."

They both laugh tiredly at the silly pun, and Dan turns so he's laying his back and watches Phil get up to be the responsible one, grabbing some wet towels and ibuprofen from the bathroom so he can clean them off. They do a half-assed job of their surroundings and sweat, but Dan's fully cleaned up and takes the NSAID and that's all that really matters to them at this point. It's sore and it hurts, but Phil's impossibly gentle and does his best to help Dan clean himself properly.

Once they finish, Phil collapses beside him on the bed, pulling the duvet over them and looking about as tired as Dan felt. So he lets Phil use his chest as a pillow and stares up at the ceiling, absentmindedly running his finger's through Phil's dyed locks.

They talk about everything and nothing, about their fears and their favorite foods, about how much they hate public transport and random facts about Austrailia. They talk about anime, about music, about Phil's childhood and how Dan doesn't know what to do with his life. And after some time Phil starts quietly snoring, holding Dan close and breathing steadily.

And Dan closes his eyes, following suit.

 

When it's time for Dan to return home, he doesn't want to leave. It feels like his soul is being ripped in half, and Phil kisses him as much as he can before he has to board his train. He's trying not to cry but he can feel his eyes burning.

And Phil speaks words he has no idea echo a truth greater than just a tender moment shared between two lovers.

"This is only the beginning for us, Dan. This is our start, our Chapter One to something even better. And _w_ e can start filling out the rest of our book with so many adventures, so many grand ideas, and we'll make so many videos together and even more memories.

"We have the rest our lives to decide how we want to write the story of Dan and Phil."

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Writing this has been a cathartic experience for me, and it's a big transition point I think in my life. I'm finally getting back into doing what I love, and I hope everyone who reads this at least gets some sort of feeling. Thank you guys so much for taking the time to read this, and I'd love to know what you think 
> 
> ~CatheRinRin


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